Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
