Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
