You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
