I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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