he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
