Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Why is there bacon in the couch?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
