I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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