I murdered the dance floor call the cops
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
