How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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