so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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