Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
