I feel great
I just peed on a car
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
