I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
