I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize