my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You pole danced in your parka.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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