i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
