I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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