We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
