After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
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