What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
