I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
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