Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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