Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
