Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
