I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
