im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
