Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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