Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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