Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
