He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
