You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Randomize
