it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
