omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
They have beer where we have blood.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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