Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
