There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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