next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
