Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize