fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Success! We fucked roommates!
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