maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
