your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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