I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
