Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
