Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
