So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
