i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Someone came in the potted fern
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
