woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
