just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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