My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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