Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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