Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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