WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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