just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you traded sex for a burrito?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
