Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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