Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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