There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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