did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize