i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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