bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
